Great Article from www.godeatgodworlds.com
This is a response to this piece of shit article which claims LA to be the best city in the country. This would be fine and dandy, except LA is so self-absorbed and oblivious to the rest of the world’s worth that every time a new song about California, LA, or NYC comes out, or a new article like this, or a new movie/video game where obscure LA or NYC history is romanticized, it makes me want to stab them.
“…Well allow me to retort.”
24. We are immune to financial crises. The market collapsed? We’re in a recession? When did that happen? We’re so poor on the whole and so pre-fucked by things like oil spills and broken levees that by the time the country goes through money problems, we’ve already fixed our economy. Right now? We’ve got a 7.2% unemployment rate. The country? 9.1%. California? 12.1%.
23. The weather. What’s that? Hurricanes you say? Yeah, those have only fucked with us a couple of times, and most of that was due to government corruption. The flood in ’27 happened because they blew the levees to save the rich areas. Katrina was a pussy till the levees broke due to lack of upkeep. ’65 was bad, but flooding from the worst hurricane isn’t much more than cleanup for us. We’re prepared. This might sound like the opposite of a positive, but have you checked out a weather based map of the country? Tornado Alley, Blizzard Central? Shit, Hurricanes are starting to hit the entire Eastern Seaboard now. And the worst place to live for weather? L-fucking-A. You might like the temperature, but mudslides, flash fires, the possibility of tsunamis, and the Earth trying to shake you off her ass and into the ocean? Worse. And we do not own the patent on neglect or corruption — those belong to Detroit and Washington, DC. Besides, what did the worst natural disaster in our nation’s history do to New Orleans? A lot, actually, but we’re still fucking here, and we’re coming back bigger than ever.
22. Above ground cemetaries, some Masonic in nature, spread all over town. They are undoubtedly the prettiest way to have your corpse thrown into a hole.
21. Parents with tattoos in a punk rock shirt putting their kids in a van? Are you kidding me? That’s called your average local here, not even worth mentioning. Here’s something that is: I once watched a guy whose job was being silver all day talk to a Pain Clown — that’s a “clown” who’s act consists of putting nails in his face or other uncomfortable places and then jumping from high surfaces onto concrete while someone throws knives at him — about the state of affairs in Afghanistan. They then offered to smoke me out before they went back to sleeping on the street next to kids playing violins and accordions. Do not fuck with us when it comes to weird.
20. Richard Fucking Simmons, you claim, LA? Well, you can have him, but we fucking made that freak of nature.
19. Nerds, geeks, freaks, Goths, Mormons, Jehovah’s witnesses, punks, gutter punks, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Klansmen, Blacks, Whites, Asians, Jews, Latinos, Cajuns, Creoles, Choctaw Indians, musicians, smokers, and vegans all live here. Not in harmony, but there also isn’t rioting, and if you go onto the right block, you can find acceptance.
18. We’ve got roller rinks and bowling alleys, too, dickwad. They’re not “retro” to us, they’re just places we still have, because we don’t knock down shit every 15 minutes. We also have the Prytania, a single-screen movie theater. We also have a history that isn’t of a fake city portrayed incorrectly in films.
17. City Park is bigger than Central Park and any grassed-over parking lot in LA.
16. We’ve got real architecture, in buildings older than 20 years.
15. Mardi Gras, the only true American Carnival. The Macy’s Parade can go suck a dick, and it can do it at Mardi Gras or Decadence festivals without being judged.
14. We know other places fucking exist. We know Chicago became a blues and jazz Mecca because we rejected our own musicians, and we know all the downsides of our city and its past. We know Boston is the most important place for American literature. We know New York is one side of America, Texas another, and LA yet another. But we are who we are as well, and you bigger than necessary assholes overstate your importance. LA and Vegas are demon cocks, and you fellate yourselves so much that you resemble some sort of massive demon cock ourobouros. New York is about as important as it states, but it’s the hot girl who knows she’s hot and always gets what she wants. We all act polite and need her acceptance, but nobody really likes that bitch except that bitch.
13. There are over 400 festivals in Louisiana a year. There are only 365 days. We party more and harder than anywhere in this Puritan country, and we do it better. Jazz Fest is our most famous, but I seriously can’t begin to list them.
12. Uptown & The Garden District. It’s like walking into the 19th Century, only the racism is less obvious now. The flora is gorgeous and allows you to actually breathe clearly, unlike most of some cities I know. Once again, the food is plentiful and delicious, and the events are spectacular.
11. Only people in LA think year round sunshine and hot weather are positive traits. Our seasons may be out of order and inside out, but at least we have them.
10. We aren’t small, but we aren’t big. You can get anywhere in New Orleans or its surrounding metropolitan area in 15 minutes. Locals call that a “commute” and bitch about it. Seriously, try getting anywhere in even Atlanta in 15 minutes, let alone LA. You know where you’ll be? The entrance to your goddamn neighborhood.
9. The Superdome. At its time, the largest domed stadium ever built. Now renovated and pretty, as well.
8. UNO has one of the top film departments of any college that is not a strictly liberal arts school.
7. Movies, TV, web-series? Yeah, we make those, too asshole. And more and more every minute, because LA’s local government has been gauging the country for a hundred years, and we’re making it easy. The best part is that we attract a better element, as well — people who like to work, eat meat, and not be noticed. New Orleanians might recognize celebrities, but we recognize them the same way we do old friends: we smile, shake their hand, and offer to buy them a drink. We do not act like they owe us something, and we don’t try to hand them a script. For some, what I would consider the best actual people that your industry has to offer, this is the best thing about us. You can keep the Kardashians. We’ll take the John Goodmans.
6. We’ve got parking, but we don’t fucking need it. The street car is the most reliable public transit in this part of the country, and its cleaner than your pretend-liberals’ car-per-person smog factory ways. We can walk and transit across this city in a few hours, and some of us do.
5. The French Quarter. It’s like the island in Pinnochio where all your evillest fantasies can come true, only you don’t turn into a donkey. Despite what people from LA or New York might believe, it’s more than Bourbon Street, though. It’s Frenchman, the last bastion of the Jazz dive. It’s Royal Street, a 14 block art gallery. It’s lower Decatur, where locals and Goths, gutter punks, the middle class, and the service workers all hang out together. It’s the Marigny (a different area but still attached), where the poets and the beat kids live. It’s real culture instead of stolen. It’s not a ghetto where we keep our ethnics like your Chinatowns or your little Ethiopias. It’s where our city started. We are the French ghetto of the entire country.
4. The food tastes. Good, yes. Sometimes, too spicy for people from the midwest. But have you been around the country? Even items some cities are known for don’t really taste at all. Not just not like anything… the best food everywhere else is like fucking a supermodel who just lays there, making sure her good side is showing on the sex tape she’s only making for her own publicity. Plus, the best L.A. and New York food is food invented somewhere else, like Mexico or Italy. We invent shit here, people. You can’t get gumbo anywhere but here. LA invented fast food, you’re welcome? Fuck off. That’s one more way you’ve been poisoning this country with empty, tasteless superficiality.
3. We are the birthplace of Jazz and the Blues, and thus all 20th and 21st Century music. Without New Orleans, you’d be talking about the new version of a 17th Century Classical piece. With New Orleans, you can still talk about that, but you can also talk about BB King, Miles Davis, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Muddy Waters, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Elvis Presley, and everything else that came after them.
2. Without the Louisiana Purchase, there would be no LA, let alone the entire Western United States. In fact, all of our awesomeness is America’s awesomeness. Without the Blues, without our food, without our culture, America has offered nothing culturally to the world — sure, technologies like Internet, TV, cars, but nothing of real beauty or originality. Suck it L.A.
1. The bars don’t close. We’ve got 24 hour bars everywhere, where you can still smoke while you kill your liver, and our bartenders know when to cut you off. They have ultimate autonomy and because they don’t have to kick you out at 2am, you get to dry out before you get in your car. We’re fucking drinking professionals. I’m willing to bet we have the highest alcoholism rate in the country but also the highestfunctioning alcoholic population in the country as well.
Via: http://www.godeatgodworlds.com/?p=510
Thanks to Phillip!
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