Narrowing down a list of iconic dive bars in New Orleans is about as easy as picking your favorite Chip Forstall commercial. It's not possible without BOOZE, some serious scrutiny, the occasional screaming of why why why, and of course, chain smoking. Eater does not condone you try this at home, just as we don't condone you try hitting up all of these iconic dive bars in one night, one weekend, or even one month alone. Remember: it's a marathon, not a sprint.
From the flea-ridden home to college kids galore, F&M's, to the dilapidated shed that is Snake and Jake's, here are New Orleans 15 Most Iconic Dive Bars. Don't like what you see? Leave your favorite dive bar in the comments section, and Eater will update the map to include reader's top picks.
SNAKE AND JAKE'S CHRISTMAS CLUB LOUNGE
Is that a goddamn shed? No, it's the best dive bar in New Orleans, and besides Bourdain's visit (to be aired in 2013 on The Layover), this legendary early morning haunt remains the real deal with clientele on the verge of death, wretched pissers, cheap drinks, and the worst hangover you've ever had, guaranteed.
MAYFAIR LOUNGE
Ms. Gertie holds court (and spreads the love) at this queen of dives Uptown, dripping with Mardi Gras beads, Barbies and colorful decor craziness. You must ring the buzzer to be let in, as it should be at a decent dive. And they pour a strong drink.
MS MAE'S
Even though Ms. Mae passed away last year, her legacy lives on at this Magazine Street institution with perhaps the cheapest drinks in town, tons of weirdoes, and an utterly packed scene during Mardi Gras.
THE JOHN
If you wind up at this Frenchman Street dive, dawlin, chances are it's later than 3a.m and you won't remember parking ya ass on a terlet seat. That's okay. Just remember to put on your sunglasses before the sun comes up.
THE ABBEY
New Orleans is filled with dive bars, but this one has the honor of saying they got Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt drunk. A true night of debauchery in the Quarter wouldn't be complete without a stop in the Abbey, whether or not you remember trying to fondle the celebrities.
THE SAINT
From booty dancing to tiki drinks, this den of hipsters, old rockers, and quasi-crackheads has it all including nasty bathrooms and the infamous photobooth, which has captured many a debauched moment.
SATURN BAR
From Sea Shanties to mod dance parties, you never know what musical adventures await you at the quintessential Bywater dive with feisty bartenders, crazy artwork left over from the bar's hoarder origins, and yeah, enough grafitti on the bathroom walls to create a coffee table book. Plus, the building scares off many an outsider.
MILAN LOUNGE
Another buzzer-ringer that's smaller than a walk in closet and filled with cheap looking tables and chairs. A devoted fan base, strong drinks, and some hardcore Cubs fans and dart players make this dive awesome, but outsiders beware. ya best know somebody.
AUNT TIKI'S
The Quarter's seediest dive with cheap drinks, bathroom doors that don't lock, those gross plastic protector things in the entryway that keep the 'gutter butter' out, a questionable leather sofa. Everyone from sailors to strippers practically welcome bad behavior. Don't expect a tiki drink either.
BROTHERS III LOUNGE
Forever smokey with a low ceiling, bright lighting, an always eclectic clientele and security cameras, the thought that such a bar dwells Uptown is a welcome and seedy relief from the world of ritzy cocktails.
F&M'S (WITH SHOUT OUT TO GRITS)
The place has fleas, people. It has cheese fries and a clientele that will make you repeat "I feel old, I feel old" until you stumble drunk toward Grits, realizing you're no longer Uptown, but stranded on Drunkypants Island with a Freshman Comp class.
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