As 2012 looms upon the horizon with grim discussions about the end of the world, it wouldn’t be completely crazy to take some precautions just in case Nostradamus wasn’t just snorting the good shit and his predictions actually hold true.
Most likely, the first thing you want to do is raid the local Costco and stock up on baked beans, Spam and Tang. But, as prepared as you think you might be, there’s one thing that Costco doesn’t sell that would probably be the only thing you need. A hillbilly.
Sure, we find their love of NASCAR and proud and unapologetic support of the mullet hilarious, but when the end of the world comes, these heehaws will be more than just entertainment. Hillbillies will be your best bet to not only survive the end of days, but make a party out of it. Here’s why…
Put away your sad little can of Vienna sausages Sally because a hillbilly knows how to make a feast by simply shopping from a grocery store called Rural Route 9. To you, it’s road kill bludgeoned by a fast moving Hyundai, but to a hillbilly it’s a free dinner from the Gods. At the end of the world, you’ll be the envy of your neighborhood as they are forced to eat their dry little NutriGrain bars while your hillbilly is making a bacon greased fried feast that used to be your neighbor’s cat, Squiggles, who got into a losing argument with an SUV.
The end of the world will probably bring about massive damages to homes and stores, causing so much debris that your run-o-the-mill metrosexual would run for the hills screaming, lest he mess up his manicure or scuff his Prada loafers. However, to a hillbilly, the entire world just turned into a giant Home Depot. While most of your neighbors will seek shelter in their cramped storm cellars and basements, you’ll be living in the lap of luxury in a three bedroom, two bath cottage that your hillbilly built you out of two old tires, half a couch, some car parts and a roll of duct tape.
Not only does a lifetime of living in otherwise uninhabitable backwoods areas instill a keen sense of how to turn undrinkable water into, well, sort of drinkable water, but when that water gets manipulated by a hillbilly you can be sure it will somehow, someway…be turned into moonshine. Drink up, Johnny!
Others around you will weep and wonder how they’ll go on living now that their smart phones are cold and their flat screen TVs have gone silent. You however, won’t even notice the absence of technology because you’ll be too busy having the time of your life with your hillbilly playing games such as Spin The Shotgun, Count the Still Usable Teeth and Six Degrees Of Inbreeding. Take that Angry Birds!
Besides being shot out of their mom/sister’s lady parts with a full knowledge of how to shoot a gun and skin a rabbit, most hillbillies (despite the beer gut that accompanies their wife beater) have a natural strength that you just can’t get from lifting weights (but may come from ingesting inordinate amounts of methamphetamine).
When the end of the world comes and people get desperate, you can rest easy knowing that any intruders that attempt to steal your stuff will be no match for a hillbilly who’s been wrestling greasy pigs and bucking hay with a full can of Copenhagen in their mouth since they were six months old.
So screw that emergency kit and three month supply of granola bars, your local hillbilly is the best kept survival secret in town and the only thing you’ll need when the world rids itself of the pestilence called human beings. Skip out on happy hour at the sushi bar with your fellow office dweebs and go bond with your local hillbilly over a game of cow tippin’ at their next raccoon barbeque.
Yes, hillbillies could stand to love WWE a little less and hygiene a little more, but it’s time to shrug off your pretentious coat and befriend one before 2012 takes a Cleveland steamer on all of usVIA; http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/humor/good-things-about-hillbillies